Ever laid awake at night and thought about murdering your husband?
Yep, that’s right. I said it out loud…
How do they do it? How do they participate with the making of a baby and still get to sleep through the night??
We’ve been gathering some intel and so far have come up with the following methods which seem to be helping them……
1. Drink. Now, there are various different methods of this however it seems that a few beers followed by a bottle of red is the way forward. This will put you into a really deep sleep and allow you to snore really loudly. If you’re lucky it will also put you into a really bad mood early the next morning…
2. White noise. This can range from anything from heavy rain to the vacuum cleaner, even the sound of a heartbeat should you wish. The tip to white noise is to turn it up really loudly so that a) if the baby wakes you won’t hear them and b) you won’t even hear your wife nagging at any point through the night.
3. If at any point you wake up in the night, DO NOT, I repeat do not, make any eye contact with your wife. She will expect something from you. Grunt and turn over, you can still pretend you’re asleep if you’re smart.
4. If you should ever rudely be woken by your wife tut, huff and grumble about how early you need to be up for work. If this doesn’t work, pull your trump card out and let your wife know that you need to be on the ball at work otherwise the mortgage and bills won’t be paid and essentially you’ll all be homeless.
5. Last but not least, if in the worst case scenario you have to get up and go into the baby’s room, pick up baby, do some shushing for about 2.5 minutes and then call out “think the baby wants their mum love”
Works every time.
And that ladies is how to sleep like a boss. Or a man.